What is success?

So, the new book is out there. It doesn't belong to me anymore, it belongs to the readers who find it and take from it what they will.

I'm not going to lie - release days and the days around it are tough. I always feel anxious, and some disappointment because I'm not one of those authors who sells thousands of copies the first week. I try to constantly remind myself that sales are only one measure of success. The fact is, I've been in this business for almost ten years now. I'm still here.

That is successful.

Every year for the past few years, my income has steadily increased.

That is successful.

I now have 7 YA novels published and 8 MG novels published, with two more coming out next year. 15, soon to be 17, books.

That IS successful.

I have readers who get excited about every new book I publish (and I appreciate you SO much). There aren't thousands, but they are out there, and they send me notes and emails and tweets and they remind me that what I do matters to someone.

And isn't that the greatest thing we can do, really? To do work that matters to someone -- that makes a difference?

Wise words from Anne Lamott

I think it's pretty safe to say that every writer has "woe is me" periods.

It's such a flattering look, isn't it?

Woe is me, I can't get an agent.
Woe is me, I can't sell a book.
Woe is me, I can't sell another book.
Woe is me, my advances are small.
Woe is me, I'll never be as good as I want to be.
Woe is me, I'll never be as good as (insert any successful author's name here).
Woe is me, I never get any big push from my publisher.

I'll stop there because, honestly, the "woe is me" possibilities are ENDLESS.

I can go months without having any. And then, all of a sudden, BAM - and I'm filled with the woe. It sucks. I mean, it really, really sucks.

For me, it usually comes down to one simple but painful truth: I will never be as good of a writer as I wish I could be. I don't have the kind of imagination I wish I had and I don't have the kind of writing skills I wish I had. Please understand - I'm not saying I'm a terrible writer. I just wish I were better.

My career to this point has been all right. I've written and published quite a few books. And I feel fortunate to be able to do the work I'm doing. I mean - I make stuff up for a living. Like I'm getting PAID to write stories. I'm my own boss, which I love, so I set my own hours, which means I can, like, go grocery shopping at eight on a Thursday morning, when the stores are empty. Since I hate grocery shopping with a fiery hot passion, this is a very good thing.

It is a pretty sweet job, and I know this and I am thankful every single day. And what I might lack in skills, I try to make up for in hard work. Because one thing I am is a hard worker and have been since I was twelve, when I picked strawberries every day, since child labor laws apparently didn't apply way back then? All right, fine, my grandma usually picked me up in the early afternoon so we could watch General Hospital together, but in the mornings, I picked those strawberries like... a twelve-year-old girl.

I was recently talking to a friend about all of the books I have coming out next year. In order to have all of these books come out, I've had an insane schedule this year, writing like a crazy person. My friend said something like, "It'd be a lot easier to just have one or two books sell really, really well, wouldn't it?"

Hahaha. Ummm, yes, abso-freaking-lutely.

And that's the thing about this business that could drive a person mad if you let it. Yes, talent and imagination are important, no doubt about it. And I may never have what it takes to be super-successful in this business. But I've always said there is also some luck that plays into this business too. The right book hits the market at the right time and it's an instant bestseller. Or the right person reads a book and it's a movie deal in the works.

Some weeks it seems like everyone around me is winning the publishing lottery with big-named blurbs, award nominations and movie news. And my soul cries to the heavens, can't I catch just one lucky break? Please? PLEASE!? (Usually this happens when I've been working a lot and I'm tired and all I want to do is lie on the couch and take about a week for a Breaking Bad marathon, so I can finally understand what all the fuss is about).

And so, that's where I've been this past week. Despite the beautiful sunshine, the warm temperatures, I just couldn't shake the blues.

I was flipping channels earlier today, and I came across Oprah interviewing Anne Lamott. And it reminded me of her book, Bird by Bird which I haven't read in a long time. I jumped up and went to my bookshelf and got it. What do you know, it was just what I needed. Here are a few little gems I share if you, too, have been sucked down the "woe is me" hole lately too.

"I still encourage anyone who feels at all compelled to write to do so. I just try to warn people who hope to get published that publication is not all that is cracked up to be. But writing is. Writing has so much to give, so much to teach, so many surpries. That thing you had to force yourself to do -- the actual act of writing -- turns out to be the best part. It's like discovering that while you thought you needed the tea ceremony for the caffeine, what you really needed was the tea ceremony. The act of writing turns out to be its own reward."

"I told myself that historically when people do too well to quickly, they are a Greek tragedy waiting to happen. I, who did not do too well too quickly and who was in fact not doing too well over time, was actually in the catbird seat. I was not going to end up the cocky heroine in an ugly hubris drama. This is not to be underestimated."

"You are going to have to give and give and give, or there's no reason for you to be writing. You have to give from the deepest part of yourself, and you are going to have to go on giving, and the giving is going to have to be its own reward. There is no cosmic importance to your getting something published, but there is in learning to be a giver."

Thanks, Anne. This week, I will remind myself to look for the reward in the writing, that I should be glad I'm not going to end up in a Greek tragedy (ha!), and that I am a giver, which is not such a bad thing in this pretty messed up world.

Oh, and I will also continue to eat the Halloween candy I bought far too early. When will I learn???

Thinking about success

I've been thinking about success.

 Thinking about how I don't feel successful, and wondering why that is.

 When I googled the word "success" to see what images popped up, there were images of ladders, keys, people on top of hills, and street signs with "failure" pointing one way and "success" pointing another way.

This year, I will have published four YA and two MG novels. I am now writing full-time. Most people would say, Lisa, you are crazy, you ARE successful. So why don't I *feel* successful?

Is it because my bank account doesn't make me feel successful? That might be part of it. But I think there's also a part of me that believes lists and awards equal success. And since my books haven't made any lists or earned any rewards, I don't feel successful.

And yet, I could name a handful of authors off the top of my head who haven't made lists or earned awards, and in my eyes they are successful. They have written a book everyone loves or have sold extremely well or have a publisher that has bought many books.

What I want is to feel successful because I'm doing what I LOVE!

I was telling my friend Lindsey one of my goals this year is to be more like Johnny Depp. When David Letterman asked him why he didn't watch any of his own films, he said something like - I do my job and when my job's done, in my mind it's done, and I move on to the next thing.

What his response said to me is that he doesn't want *his* success to be tied to the *film's* success. He tries to keep them separate. And honestly, without doing some googling, I don't know if Johnny Depp has won any awards. I don't know how much money he makes per film. But I know I love some films he's been in and others, not so much. Still, I look at him and of course I see him as successful! And really cute, but that's another post.

As authors, can we separate the two? Can we be successful if our books aren't? I don't know. With a film, there are so many other people involved. But the same could be true of a book - how many times have we heard a cover can make or break a book, and that is certainly out of our control.

I want to feel successful because I did the work, not because of what happens to the work after that. That's what I'm working on.

What do you think? Is it possible? Or am I going to have a hard time doing that?