Remembering my friend, L.K. Madigan

It is so hard to know what to say. But not saying anything seems wrong somehow. I don't know. So here I go, doing my best to put what is in my heart into words, even though it will be so completely inadequate.

There is no other way to begin than to simply say I loved Lisa. She was one of the most kind and generous, fun and funny friends I've ever had. I remember when she won the Morris award, I stopped everything and made cupcakes for her. She was the type of friend who deserved cupcakes!

She loved coffee. She loved pie. Especially pumpkin pie with her coffee for a special breakfast. She loved blogging and the on-line writing community. She loved her husband of 20+ years. She loved U2 and frequently referred to Bono as her boyfriend. Actually, she loved music, period. In fact, she loved it so much, that when I asked her to go to a concert with me featuring one of my favorite bands, Lifehouse, who I think she could take or leave, she said, "Sure!" She loved her son so very much, and as the mother of two boys myself, we talked about our sons, and mothering to boys. She understood boys in a special way, and I think it's one reason why FLASH BURNOUT was so authentic in its voice.

We shared the love of some TV shows. Project Runway, for one. As you probably know, she channeled Tim Gunn a few times on her blog. I think I commented on one of those posts that she did it so well, it sort of scared me. Then there was My So-Called Life, which of course, was on many years ago, but we'd still talk about it sometimes. After she read my WIP in December, shortly before she got her diagnosis, she asked me if my main character's name (Rayanna, Rae for short) was after one of the characters on My So-Called Life. It wasn't, until she said that. But then I said, "You know, I hadn't even thought of that. But I like it! So yeah, I'm going to go with it."

And finally, Friday Night Lights. One of my favorite shows of all time. And I think she got fed up with me talking about it all the time, and telling her, you need to watch it, you need to WATCH IT! So one weekend, she Netflixed Season 1. And I can remember getting little texts and/or e-mails from her as she watched. She eventually watched the other seasons and was all caught up last year so she could watch Season 4 along with me.

The last time I saw her, in January, I took her a Dillon Panther's t-shirt. On the back it had their motto: Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose.

Here's what I believe. Lisa lived that motto. She lived life with her eyes wide open, taking it all in. One of the last e-mails I got from her read, "Isn't it so pretty today? I'm sitting here watching the birds and the squirrels." And that was all. She just wanted to share that little moment with me. And it made me stop and take a moment to look outside, and take in the beauty of the day. And a full heart? Oh yeah, absolutely. She loved deeply. From friends and family to books and authors to music and bands to Europe and sunny beaches... I could go on and on and on. As far as the can't lose part? She wrote books, submitted them, and continued to submit them in the face of rejection because even though it hurt and it was hard, she wanted to see her dream come true. And thank God she did. I can still remember reading an earlier novel that was never published. I thought, dang, this girl can write. I knew it would only be a matter of time. And when I read FLASH BURNOUT, which made me laugh and made me cry, I knew it would be the one.

She was so supportive of me and my books too. The thing is, though, it wasn't just me. She made a point of letting authors know when she'd read a book and loved it. She was so good at making that personal connection and doing everything she could to lift authors up. I try to do that, but she didn't try, she DID it. And it makes me want to work harder and be better about that. She understood how hard this business is and how much a simple note of encouragement can mean.

Somewhere on Goodreads there is a lovely review of CHASING BROOKLYN where she talked about all of my books. I think it would make me too tearful, so I'm not going to go and look for it now. But in it, she said of all my books, FAR FROM YOU was her favorite. FAR FROM YOU tells the story of Alice, who is trying to adjust to a new life with her step-mom and new half-sister. Years before, Alice's mom died from pancreatic cancer. Yes, you read that right. Pancreatic cancer, the kind of cancer that took Lisa's life. These past days, I've found myself thinking of Alice, wondering if God put the characters of Alice and her mother in my heart to perhaps help me a little with Lisa's passing.

There is a passage in FAR FROM YOU I want to share with you, where Alice is unconscious, and has a dream of sorts with her mother.

"But Mom, I'm losing you.
It's getting harder and harder to find you."

She kisses my forehead.
"Honey, no matter where you are, I'm with you.
When the breeze brushes your cheek, it's me.
When the stars sparkle and shine, that's me.
When the tulips bloom in the spring, that's me."

Wednesday night, after a very sad day, my husband and I went for a walk. It was a cold and quiet night, and as we walked, it began to snow. Big, fat, beautiful flakes fell around us in the darkness. And a sense of peace washed over me. I will miss her so much. But I also know, she is with me always. As Alice realizes, her mom's greatest wish is for her to live a full life. To look for and find the joy everywhere. I know Lisa wants that for me too. For ALL of us.

Trust fund for Lisa's son

Here is your opportunity to do something for our friend, L.K. Madigan.

A trust fund has been set up for her son, to pay for college expenses one day.

Please make your check payable to: Nathan Wolfson Trust. Then mail it to the following address:

Becker Capital Management, Inc.
Attn: Sharon Gueck/John Becker
1211 SW Fifth Ave, Suite 2185
Portland, OR  97204

Thank you.

I really have no words today, so...

One of many cherished memories I have is watching the musical Wicked together.

This one is for you, my dear sweet friend, Lisa. Handprint on my heart indeed.

Monday Motivation - On creating

"When I have a terrible need of - shall I say the word - religion. Then I go out and paint the stars." ~Vincent Van Gogh

On a message board over the weekend, someone posted about how worrying about reviews and what people think paralyzes her to the point that she finds it hard to write.

I get that it's hard to have people judging your art. It is really, really hard. But each of us has to figure out a way to continue to create once our work is out there. Yes, there may be times, before a book's release or immediately after, that we simply can't. I get that. The "noise," either in our head or around the internet, can be very distracting at times.

I think it comes back to the discussion I had about success recently though. We need to learn to find success IN the creating. I gave this analogy on the message board, and I thought I'd share it here.

If I made jewelry, I might make a bracelet, sell it, then someone would buy it and wear it. Maybe no one ever comments on that bracelet. When she wears another one, tons of people comment on it. But I'm back in my house, making more jewelry, because I don't follow my jewelry around to see how well received it is, so I never know if anyone comments or not. And I don't know that people like the other bracelet she wears a lot more than the one I made. If you asked me if I'm happy about the bracelet, I'd probably say, of course, because it found a wonderful home and I got paid for doing what I love.

I love Vincent Van Gogh's quote because what it says to me is that creating art for him was a deeply spiritual thing. It brought him closer to God. Without getting too "religious" on you, I feel the same way. I wrote two books last year that literally felt like a gift from God as I wrote. I look back at the writing of those books with such joy and fond memories. Now, not every book is like that. I don't know why. But when it is, I take the gift and am thankful for it. And maybe the books that are harder to write are meant to teach me things. In any event, our job is to write the best book we can. And then to revise that book as best we can, again and again and again, as many times as we need to, with or without an editorial letter.

After that, our job is done. It's time to look for a new story to create. As Sara Zarr said so well HERE, we have to learn to separate our identity as a writer from our popularity as a writer, because they are NOT the same thing.

It's not easy, I know. We want people to love our work. But in order to keep working, to keep painting more stars or designing more bracelets or writing more stories, we have to wish it well out in the world and let it go. And go back to our calling - the art of creating a story where none existed before. Which never ceases to amaze me that we DO that!

Be amazed. Be excited about what you do! Because isn't it just SO amazing and exciting? I think it is!

Five things on a Friday

1. It has been hard to blog lately. Hard to be on-line very much, actually. I don't really want to say why, so I'm just going to leave it at that.

2. I have news I'd love to share, but I can't yet, so... Wow, this is a fun Friday five, isn't it? I might as well just put a bunch of numbers up and no words next to them. Let's see if I can do better for the last three.

3. I finished revising my latest YA manuscript yesterday and sent it to my agent! Whew. What a relief. It's the longest book I've ever written, at 65,000 words, which I know is really not that long at all. But when you write in verse most of the time, that's long! It isn't in verse, but it's a contemporary story with mystery, romance, and a great hook. I hope she likes it, but she may not, and since I prefer writing the whole thing, I'm okay with whatever happens now. I have an idea for a verse novel that I can start any time. Well, after I get my taxes done and get ready for some presentations in March.

4. I am going to try to win the lottery this morning, er, get Taylor Swift tickets. Wish me luck!

5. Finally, look what I got in the mail!!! These are the Advanced Review Copies for SPRINKLES AND SECRETS, the companion novel to my middle grade novel IT'S RAINING CUPCAKES. I plan to give them all to independent booksellers. I have a few in town I'll hand them to, and then I'll have a few left to mail. If you are an independent bookseller who loves middle grade fiction or you know one who would love to read this, please let me know in the comments.

Hope you have a lovely weekend. I get to do taxes, clean my house, and catch up on life in general after being focused on the book for so long. I'm actually looking forward to all of it.

The seeds that grow a story

I remember one day I was sitting in the lunch room at work, and a few other co-workers were eating and talking. I don't know how the conversation got there, but Paul told us that after he graduated from college, he and his best friend flipped a coin to decide where they'd move to live and look for work. Heads Seattle, WA or Tails Somewhere, WI. It was heads, so they moved to Seattle, got an apartment together, and both found work. He eventually met the woman who would become his wife, they moved to Portland where she had family, and so... there it was. His life, all a result of that coin toss.

I told myself I had to use that in a book someday. So, when I was writing THE DAY BEFORE, I thought - I want to put a coin toss in here. I didn't know why. I didn't know how it would work. I just knew it was one detail I wanted to use.

That is how it works for me. I don't necessarily know how things will come together when I plant seeds into my story like that. I just have something in mind I want to use (usually a few somethings - what are those called anyway?), and then I write and see how they grow. See how things play out.

In the end, the coin toss didn't necessarily mean a BIG decision was made, like it was for Paul. It actually became much more for my main character. In the process of tossing a coin throughout the day, she eventually has a realization that's really key for her. An "ah-ha" moment, if you will.

Sometimes I think I should be more intentional about the details I put into my books. Except, I sort of love the excitement and mystery and eventually, the joy of discovery of how the details come to work together to add meaning to the story. It makes it SO fun!

As I've said before, when it all comes together and works, it's like... magic.

I'm curious. Are you intentional about what little elements or details or whatever they're called that you put into your story? Or are you more like me - throw things in and then see how they play out?

Happy Valentine's Day! (and contest winner)

How Do I Love Thee?

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. 

I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight. 
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; 
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. 

I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. 
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath, 
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose, 
I shall but love thee better after death.

Thanks to all of you who entered my Follower Love giveaway. I'm happy to announce the winner is: 
Serena@PensiveBookeaters! Congratulations - I'll be sending you an e-mail to get your mailing information.