There's this strange thing that is happening to me. I don't want to talk online anymore. I don't want to tweet, I don't want to blog, I just... I don't know. I have to force myself most of the time to speak up and say something.
I've been trying to figure out why and maybe it's because I'm having a bit of a difficult time in my career right now and when things aren't going well, it can feel a little bit like - what's the point? Except I think it's even more than that. I'm having to work hard to protect what little confidence I have left as a writer and so even just sitting down to write stories at the moment is tough. It's like I have to save all of my bravery for that and then there isn't any left for the other types of writing.
But here's why I'm blogging today. It is easy to disappear. Like, really really easy. To tell myself I don't matter, that no one would care if I just stopped showing up on the web one day and then, suddenly, I do it. I stop. And before I know it, I've quit writing all together and out of desperation I put in an application to work at Taco Bell. Which, if you work at Taco Bell, thank you for feeding burritos to the world and please don't take that as meaning that I think there's anything wrong with working at Taco Bell. I am just not sure that is what I want for me, personally, at this stage in my life, you know?
I think it's easy to "be social" when your career is going well. When your book hits the NY Times or you win a big award, and everyone wants to congratulate you, there is nothing easier than being on-line and taking that all in. And please know, that is not meant to be a criticism at all. If you hit the NY times, YAY FOR YOU, I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS, because that is some super exciting stuff that may never come around again.
But when everything is a struggle? When all you want to do is sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat ice cream but you make yourself go to the computer because that is what a writer does for crying out loud? It's difficult to find anything left after that to put out into the world. Especially when you're feeling vulnerable and no replies to whatever you put out there can feel like another kind of rejection.
I also think there has been a shift in social media over the years. Now, more than ever, it seems like people admire the loud, the bold, the indignant, the outrageous, the hilarious. And when you are generally not any of those things, it's hard to feel like your voice has any value. It's like a mouse trying to get noticed in a pit of roaring lions. It's easiest to just hide in a hole and watch the roaring from a distance. That's kind of what I've been doing lately.
There is no lesson learned at the end of this blog post. No revelation that has come to me as a result of writing this. All I know is I felt like perhaps I should explain why posts have become less frequent. If you are feeling like a mouse in a pit of lions lately, please know - I see you. I hear you. You are not alone. We must remember there is a place for us in this world too, even if it doesn't always feel that way. And now I'm signing off to open the manuscript. To do the work I feel called to do, even if it feels much, much harder today than it did ten years ago. What? You thought it got easier? Ha. Nope. Not even close.